It’s Time To Talk About Men and Miscarriage

Kittiphan Teerawattanakul / EyeEm

When Chrissy Teigen and Meghan Markle announced their pregnancy losses in late 2020, a wave of support on social media followed – and rightly so. However, subsequent discussion and media coverage mainly focused on her loss, with little mention of her partners John Legend and Prince Harry.

That 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage is a sobering statistic, and there is no denying that this loss is great for a woman. As the carrier of the child, she feels the full emotional and physical effects, and this ordeal can lead to longer-term psychological problems such as PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

But while they may not go through the dire physical aspects of pregnancy loss, their partner is far from immune to the effects. According to a study by Tommy’s National Center for Miscarriage Research, one in five mothers will experience long-term symptoms of post-traumatic stress after a miscarriage, as will one in twelve partners. “It’s really important to realize that both parents are suffering the loss,” says Amina Hatia, Tommy’s midwife.

“Every miscarriage I have ever experienced is like an ineradicable pain within me.”

“Miscarriage is a burden,” says Chris Lawson, creator of the IVFDad podcast. “Every miscarriage I’ve ever experienced is like an ineradicable pain in me.”

While studies suggest that men’s feelings are usually less intense, they nonetheless feel everything from sadness to anger and confusion. Research also shows that men are more likely to direct their emotions into harmful vices, such as increased alcohol consumption.

But while men are known to be affected, research into the effects of miscarriage continues to focus on women, and support for partners after a pregnancy loss is still alarmingly sparse.

Life in the unknown

Lawson recalls learning about the recent pregnancy loss from himself and his wife. “We were in the room with the sonographer and she suddenly stopped talking. We just knew – it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room at that moment, ”he says. “She wanted to get a second opinion [so] Left us in the consulting room and we hugged. When it was confirmed it was kind of: Well what happens next? All of these decisions have to be made if it is really going on in my head, ‘We just lost our chance’. “

For Chris Whitfield, whose experience with a miscarriage led him to develop the Miscarriage For Men support platform, the realities of Covid made the situation worse. “Miscarriage anytime is bad enough, but it makes things a lot worse during a pandemic,” he says. “My wife had to go to the hospital and find out for herself that our baby had died and I had to sit outside in the car, which was horrible.”

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Unfortunately, they had to wait two weeks for final confirmation that “since the baby was smaller, it could be due to a number of things,” explains Whitfield. “At this point, these are the hardest two weeks of your life because you don’t know whether you are coming or going. Inevitably we went back [and the foetus] was not there. We sat in the car on the way home, didn’t speak to each other and didn’t know what would happen next. “

Hidden in sight

It is unusual for men to talk about miscarriages in this way; the topic remains taboo, and according to Dr. Sandra Wheatley, a social psychologist with a particular interest in parents, especially gender stereotypes. “It’s just not acceptable to in Western culture [men] being as devastated as a woman about a pregnancy loss, ”Wheatley says. “And it can multiply that burden if you feel you need to hide it.”

But Whitfield is frustrated by this stereotype of masculinity. “[Some] Guys feel like when they talk about things and show their emotions, they are kind of weaker, which is not the case at all, ”he says. “If anything, they are stronger.”

Tommy’s research found that 73% of men who experience a miscarriage feel like they need to be “strong.” For some it is associated with maintaining a masculine image, for others it is a pillar of support for their partner.

“Guys feel like they are kind of weaker when they talk about things and show their emotions.”

“You can almost see your role as a coach: it’s motivating, positive, ‘we can do it,'” explains Lawson. This feeling is echoed by Whitfield: “For me, my primary goal was to make sure my wife was fine, that she was looking after her, and that I was a shoulder to cry on when she needed it.” But “while you’re doing this, you’re not really focusing on your own feelings,” adds Lawson.

A non-literal connection to the fetus, as the mother does, can prevent men from asking for help as well. “They are not expected to be so clingy because they were not physical and pregnancy did not impose their mundane being,” says Wheatley – although looking at the baby on ultrasound strengthens that connection and can enhance feelings of sadness .

“Because you are not exercising, you can feel completely helpless in the situation,” adds Lawson. “It can almost feel like you don’t have to play a role, and that ends up burying your feelings.”

Supply versus demand

While studies have shown the desire to show a masculine front prevents a number of men from seeking support, another major problem is that it is hard to find those who want and need them. According to a Tommy poll, “three quarters of respondents felt that nothing was available for them,” said Hatia.

Whitfield realizes that he was fortunate enough to have excellent support from friends. “I’ve had people I could call at 2 a.m. and say, ‘I’m in a dark place now and I just need to get a few things off my chest,'” he says.

Anyway, me [also] I wanted to talk to people who had been through this and are going through this now to see what they had done. I couldn’t find that anywhere. ”

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The demand is clearly there: since Miscarriage For Men started in March 2021, “the reception has been surreal,” explains Whitfield. “I had over 60,000 visitors on the platform and over 1,000 direct messages. I’ve contacted people who miscarried 25 years ago and said they wished they had this platform back then. ”

And while it was originally intended to help others, the process of developing Miscarriage For Men has acted as a form of personal therapy for Whitfield. “By creating the website and helping others, it has helped me deal with my grief,” he notes.

Like Whitfield, Lawson could reach out to friends “and they were great” – but discovered that those close relationships made their response occasionally overwhelming. “Sometimes it can be almost unbearable to see the pain they are feeling for you, if that makes sense,” he reveals. “In my opinion [this] is one of the reasons why we don’t end up talking about it. “

Instead, he found it particularly helpful to speak to a counselor as it provided a safe outside space in which to express his feelings. But despite the benefits therapy had for both Whitfield and Lawson, men are significantly less likely to have access to professional psychosocial support than women.

“The only advice that applies to everyone is to take it every day and be nice to yourself.”

Tommy’s, the Miscarriage Association, and Sands all offer telephone helpline support, and Hatia says, “Tommy’s is developing an online information platform specifically designed to assist fathers and partners with pregnancy and loss.” And for those who aren’t ready to talk, “Online communities like Tommy’s Facebook Support Group can help people feel less alone by reading other people’s experiences, even if they don’t feel ready to share their own to share, ”suggests Hatia.

“Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong,” she adds. “The only advice that applies to everyone is to take it daily and be kind to yourself.”

However, if you feel you need support, it is important to seek it – as it cannot “have very far-reaching, long-term effects on psychological wellbeing,” explains Wheatley. For example, “Once you have depression, the more likely you will experience it again. Anything that can be done to prevent this from happening should have priority. “

Work towards change

Both Lawson and Whitfield believe that businesses and employers play a huge role in promoting outreach and awareness. “There’s definitely something to do in the work environment in education, and so it’s okay to say, ‘I need time off because we’re going through this,'” Lawson says. “I think if you are a male worker you would naturally assume that the only time you can take time off is to look after your partner.”

This extra support reassures men that it’s okay to grieve and not rush back to work to bury their feelings – something Lawson admits he did and isn’t proud of.

“It’s a moment I think about. I asked [my wife] If she was okay and she said yes, you can go back to work. That allowed me to keep blocking it, ”says Lawson. “I didn’t want people to know or ask what was going on because it was more painful. I didn’t want them to say, ‘Didn’t it work?’

“Going through it and pretending nothing had happened … was the way I handled it,” he adds.

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Channel 4 recently made headlines after announcing a revolutionary pregnancy loss policy for its employees, offering affected men and women two full weeks of paid vacation, paid vacation time for doctor’s appointments, and medical assistance – a move Whitfield described as “phenomenal and excellent” designated. Monzo and the LADBible Group have since followed suit and have implemented similar guidelines

Social changes like this one will help break taboos and encourage more men to have important conversations, which is a good start, but it is exactly that: a start. Whitfield says, “It’s crazy that we can take helicopters to Mars, but we … [still] I don’t have any basic platforms to help guys with this. “

To sign Tommy’s petition urging the government to increase support for miscarriages, visit here

source https://dailyhealthynews.ca/its-time-to-talk-about-men-and-miscarriage/